Acceptable Anger, Righteous Rage

I have to apologize for my tardiness in this post. When I posted Say Their Names (a blog post memorializing the 9 victims of the shooting at Emanuel AME Church in Charleston) I said that I would soon post something about my anger and rage. I've been trying to, but life has gotten in the way of writing a cohesive and well structured blog post. But that's not really a good excuse, and it's time to end my silence.

Since the shooting, there's been no shortage of new developments. A brave woman named Bree Newsome went to the South Carolina Statehouse, climbed a flagpole, and removed the "Confederate" flag that was the offensive and racist resident of a briefly empty flagpole. She was arrested, and the flag was restored to "it's rightful place". She has since been released on bail and made a powerful statement to the Blue Nation Review, which you can read here. The internet has been abuzz with speak of this woman's brave demonstration, as we should be.

But there's a development that we haven't been talking about nearly as much as one might think: the black churches have been burning across the southern United States since the Charleston massacre. Authorities say that at least some of them were arson. Many people are quick to throw out the idea that "It could be lightning, we just don't know." Wow, what a coincidence, that lightning would suddenly strike so any black churches in such a short time period all in one specific region of the country, following a racist shooting which was accompanied by bomb threats against other black churches, especially those holding vigils. Who knew that lightning itself is racist?

I have read article after article about the shooting, the victims, their families and funerals, the shootings, police brutality, other instances of racism in America - including the racism we have faced and continue to face in the LDS Church - , about the "Confederate" flag and calls to have it removed from government buildings and what that flag represents to many black people, and especially many articles about the black churches that have been burned. I have read Facebook post after Facebook post and tweet after tweet about these issues and the pain felt by so many POC in America. Unforunately, I've read more posts than I care to from white people who are dismissive of this pain, who like to argue that "You just don't understand what that flag represents to us" or that "It's not about racism at all, it's about heritage and history", and of course "OMG the problem is that we talk about race too much, we need to stop talking about race at all and just be colorblind."

As I have read, posted my own thoughts, and listened to what is said around me, along with the grief and pain that I feel for my friends and loved ones, and for my fellow Americans and residents of this country who are POC but whom I don't even know, there is another emotion that has continued to build, which has gained more and more strength: anger.

I. Am. PISSED.

One of the reasons I haven't posted is because I have struggled to express myself without resorting to mostly cussing, because that's how I feel. Curse words don't even seem adequate to describe my rage, but they feel a whole lot more succinctly expressive of my thoughts and emotions than "This makes me angry". But, I need to find a way to express myself that goes beyond cussing, so I'm trying.

This is what I posted recently on Facebook on my personal profile after reading a story about yet another black church that burned.

"I feel sick to my stomach reading this. Everything happening in America, all the ongoing violence against POC, and there are still people who are determined to believe that racism against POC in America is a thing of the past, that "it's not about race", that we love in a post racial society.

WAKE UP!!!!!!! 

If I sound angry, it's probably because I am very angry. I am angry that this racism exists, that white people - including people I know and love - deny it's existence even while they justify it. I'm angry that this crap is happening. I'm angry at this injustice, at the systems of oppression that are so deeply rooted here in America. I'm angry at the danger that POC - including people I love dearly - have to live with. I'm angry and it is a righteous anger. 

And yet, I know that I can't even begin to imagine what it feels like for POC. My whiteness affords me a distance from the emotions, reduces the emotions I feel because I am not the target, and gives me the ability to say "I'm tired, I'm stepping away." And yet, there are white people who will argue that this white privilege doesn't exist even while they cluelessly bask in the benefits of said white privilege.

I'm angry. And I hurt and I grieve.

White America... WAKE UP!!!!"

I am angry. I feel rage at the damage that is being done in America every single day in the name of white supremacy and racism. And it's not just the overt things like burning black churches, racial profiling, killing Bible study members for their skin color, people who participate in the KKK, paying people less money based on their race and their gender, police brutality and laws that target POC, or racist jokes. It's the things that we white Progressive Mormons and Mormon feminists do that contribute, things we don't even realize are racist (usually because we're not paying attention to the POC who repeatedly TELL us that our actions are racist and hurtful and to not do that or that we're not being inclusive enough). It's the remnants of racism in LDS doctrine and culture. It's us white people who argue with POC who tell us their experiences, and our response is "But...". It's the defensive reactions of myself and other white ProgMos and MoFems when we get called out on our racism. It's our tendency to rush to apologize and make the proper symbolic gestures that this time, we've learned our lesson and see, we're going to do better... and that lasts a few days and then we promptly forget and have to be called out again later. And yes, I absolutely include myself in this, because I know good and well that I have plenty of my own anti-racist work to do, and I'm angry with myself for my own defensiveness and for not doing better despite being told and shown how to do so.

I'm angry at a country that was founded on and through white supremacy and still fights so hard against taking steps to overcome that. I'm angry at a country that continues to dismantle laws that were put in place specifically to protect the voting rights of minorities. I'm angry that when I recite the Pledge of Allegiance, I can't say "With liberty and justice for all" and be speaking the truth, because there is no liberty and/or justice for Rekia Boyd, Aiyana Stanley-Jones, Renisha McBride, Mia Henderson, Shantel Davis, Yvette Smith, Freddie Gray, Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Tamir Rice, or a whole list of other people. I'm angry that there are so many white people out there who insist on denying that white privilege exists (much less that they have it) and who are determined to believe that we live in a post-racial society where not only is racism dead but reverse racism is a legitimate Thing where white people are the true victims of racism. I'm angry at myself for taking so long to write a post about my anger and for retreating into my cocoon of white privilege and comfort when I feel like "It's just too much", despite knowing good and well that my friends who are POC don't have that luxury. I'm angry with my white friends who think it's acceptable to argue that their theories are more valid than the lived experiences of POC.

I'm angry that I live in a world where systemic and institutional racism still exist in 2015. I'm damn well beyond pissed that 9 people who walked into a church and accepted a white man with open arms into their Bible study died at his hands because of his hatred, that they weren't able to go back home again. I'm filled with rage that black churches are not only burning but that it's less important to the white media than white people problems are.

I'm angry. I have rage. And for those who say "But WWJD!!! Forgiveness!!!", I would like to take this moment to reiterate what Awesomely Luvvie had to say:

"Meanwhile, as per usual people are already fixing their mouths to call for peace, invoking the name of Christ. Man, please. Remember that even Jesus flipped a table. Christ was DONE with folks' shenanigans."

I am angry, and it is an acceptable anger.  In my anger, I don't know exactly everything to do, besides working on improving my anti-racist work and intersectionality. What I do know is that I have heard time and again from friends who are POC that it is important that I listen to what they have to say, and that it is important that I use my voice to speak up for them and to express my anger, to let them know that they are not alone and that I see and hear their pain and that I validate their feelings. And that, today, is what I want to say. I see you. I hear you. I validate you. I am sorry for the pain you have endured and continue to endure. You matter. Your pain and anger matter. Black Lives Matter.