Mourn With Those That Mourn

Photo credit: Esther Dale

I wasn't always a Mormon. I grew up mainstream protestant and eventually joined the Roman Catholic Church. In fact, I was Catholic when I married my husband, who had grown up Mormon. We had an agreement in place for how we would handle attending church together as a family (switch which service we attended together, so it was Mass one week and Sacrament Meeting the next) and that we would respect the faith of the other and not try to convert each other. Eventually, I realized that the LDS Church was an entirely different creature than I had been raised to think it was, fell in love (especially with Relief Society), and I was baptized the summer of 2009, a few months after giving birth to our oldest daughter.

I learned, heard, and read many things over the course of the time between when I first started attending church with my husband. One of the things I remember hearing and reading about that stood out to me the most was that Mormons covenant to bear one another's burdens and mourn with those who mourn. It is in our scriptures, in Mosiah 18: 8-10.

"8: And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for so were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light; 

9: Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all paces that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life - 

10: Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?"

That was one of the scripture passages that helped solidify my decision to be baptized into the LDS Church when I was doing the discussions and considering becoming a member, and it remains one of my favorite passages today. It ties in so beautifully with the ministry of Christ when He was here on earth. If we look at His life, we see that he did exactly this. And it always reminds me of the Beautitudes, Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. In Matthew 5: 4, Jesus says "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.".

There is a great deal of beauty in this. We are a community, we have taken upon ourselves the name of Jesus Christ. It's in our Church name: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We are charged with uplifting one another, sharing each others burdens, helping one another, and walking together in love and companionship. We are to "mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort."

We're FANTASTIC at doing this under many circumstances. When disaster strikes? We're there to help with whatever is needed. Cleanup, rescue efforts, rebuilding, translating, whatever. When there's a death in one of our wards, the Relief Society pulls together to do lunch after the service, so the loved ones left behind can go sit down and eat without having to worry about cleanup, getting food together, etc. When people need help with moving? We're on it. Someone has surgery or a new baby or illness in the family? We take them food, help with dishes/laundry/housework/watch kids so new mom can get a nap, whatever. The Relief Society has a whole committee dedicated to helping people: the Compassionate Service Committee. And we don't just help those who are members, we're happy to help other people. When it comes to meeting the tangible physical needs of others in these circumstances and many more I haven't listed, we tend to rock. I do realize this is not true across the board, as I have had friends who had trouble even getting a meal brought to their house while on bedrest for preterm labor. So we have room for improvement everywhere. But generally speaking, we tend to be known for our service to others, it's something we take great pride in. And that is awesome, because helping people who need it is fantastic and much needed.

That said, there are a lot of times when we really, really, really suck at "mourn[ing] with those that mourn" and "comfort[ing] those that stand in need of comfort". An example that sticks out in my mind has to do with Church members over the last few years who have been excommunicated or  subjected to other forms of Church Discipline as a result of their support for Ordain Women, marriage equality, Mormon feminism in general, publicly expressing doubts and questions, talking about our history of polygamy, etc.

in 2014, Kate Kelly - the founder of Ordain Women - was excommunicated. Even though I am not a member of Ordain Women, nor do I actively support women holding the Priesthood (I'm still on the fence on the whole issue), I was heartbroken for Kate, her family, her loved ones, and all the members of Ordain Women who had just been sent a loud message that was at odds with President Uchtdorf's beautiful talk titled "Come, Join with Us" at the October 2013 General Conference. Among other things, President Uchtdorf said

"Some might say 'I just don't fit in with you people in the Church.' If you could see into our hearts, you would probably find that you fit in better than you suppose. You might be surprised to find that we have yearnings and struggles and hopes similar to yours. Your background or upbringing might seem different from what you perceive in many Latter-day Saints, but that could be a blessing. Brothers and sisters, dear friends, we need your unique talents and perspectives. The diversity of persons and peoples all around the globe is a strength of this Church." 

These words, which had felt like balm to many MoFem and ProgMo [1] souls when they were spoken by President Uchtdorf in 2013, were suddenly confusing as cognitive dissonance set in, as many suddenly struggled to make sense of a massive disconnect between words and actions. And this has continued to be the case. The gleeful gloating of many who oppose Ordain Women didn't help anything.

Since then, others have had temple recommends taken or other disciplinary actions handed down because of their support for marriage equality and LGBTQ rights, and other issues. And every time it happens, even as I cry with and for my sisters and brothers who are hurting, I am amazed at the response of too many people who call themselves Mormon: they cheer.

They. Cheer.

Mormons. What are we DOING? WHY are we exultant at the pain of others? Why are we gleeful when others hurt? Why is it that the response to "This has happened and it hurts me." is too often "Well I don't see why. Whatever."? And don't try to tell me it's not, because people have said it directly to me, and to others in conversations I was privy to.

It's happening again. Kristy Money, a member of Ordain Women and a Mormon feminist I have come to love and admire, has been effectively muzzled. She has had her Temple Recommend stripped and been told she is not allowed to speak in Church. And people are once again showing a callous disdain and disregard for her pain and the pain of her family and friends. What is wrong with us?

I've put a lot of thought into this, and I'd like to share with you an observation I've made.

There seems to be this idea that you have to agree with some to mourn with them. Not so. I am not a member of Ordain Women, I have issues with the organization and some of their methods, and I'm not exactly BFFs with Kate Kelly. But you better believe that when one of their members is in pain over Church discipline, I hurt for and with them. We don't feel like we have to know someone who has died in order to mourn with their family and friends, to feel for them and serve them and try to alleviate some of their discomfort, so why do we think this is different when it's hurt at the hands of the Church (to include leadership at the local level)? You don't have to agree with someone to be a decent human being when they are in pain.

The admonition and covenant to mourn with and comfort those who need it doesn't contain a clause saying 'this scripture only applies if you 100% agree with everything the person says or does or every organization they are affiliated with. Nope. That's not in there. I can understand not wanting to be perceived as agreeing with a cause you oppose (or are ambivalent about, or whatever). I 100% understand that. But we can still be considerate and thoughtful and obey our scriptural and doctrinal mandates, abide by our covenants, as laid down in Mosiah.

How?

There are many ways. You can reach out and say "I'm sorry you're hurting.", take them a card that says "I'm thinking of you", see if they'd like you to bring them a meal while they wrestle with what they're going through, continue to get together with them just as friends, and many other ways. Just let them know you love them and that you see their pain and you hurt with them. Be the voice among your circle of friends that says "I will mourn with those who mourn."Have a Sunday School, Relief Society, Elder's Quorum, or Sacrament Meeting talk about the passage of scripture I have quoted. There are many ways to support someone who is hurting, none of which require you to say "Here, let me join your movement/cause/go to a parade with you/whatever." All it requires is the love of God.

We Mormons are good at many things (Funeral Potatoes, anyone). But there are areas in which we still have a great deal of room left for improvement. Please, let's make this a priority. Let's live up to our covenants and our scriptures. Let us mourn with those that mourn.

[1]
MoFem = Mormon feminist
ProgMo - Progressive Mormon